Alone

Alone: adjective, adverb. 1.On one's own; by oneself.2.isolated and lonely.3.only; exclusively.

sometimes i start to forget how much my community means to me. i feel this way every few months or so. i will call them 'episodes'. the pull to travel and experience new sights and sounds hits me hard. i get bored with where i am at. let me specify. where i am working and the fact that this job doesn't even come close to touching the desires of my heart, my passions, my longing for adventure, and for life. i thought i was done here. i believe i am close, but every day that passes brings me closer. there isn't much consolation in knowing that. i want to be able to see it. to hold it in my hands. to know it and embrace it with my heart. my spirit longs to stand up and flow in my giftings. to be heard, to be seen, to be creative, to learn, to experiment, to grow, to experience life, to be loved, to love, to be bold. i am tired. i am overwhelmed. i feel stuck. something's gotta give. is it my turn yet? am i even ready? apparently not is what i deduce since i am still here. i have been asking the L-rd to keep my in this season, of being single and here at work, as long as necessary. that's not always a fun or easy prayer. to feel these emotions reminds me that i am alive, and that my decisions and actions, my prayers,petitions, and my community change things. community, huh? what would i do without them? i would be consumed by these emotions, lethargy, and ambivalence. what about G-d? i would still know Him and desire a relationship with Him, but my growth in Him would me minuscule. i JUST realized Kingdom Living is a miracle intervention placed in my life by Hashem. wow...i didn't know this before. whew...bless the L-rd.

while i feel mostly negative i have seen this 'episode' differently than usual. i know the L-rd works through these low times. He works at all times! it's not necessarily "bad" that i feel this way. i have been honest about how i am feeling and know that it isn't without purpose. i wonder how long it would have taken me to realize the miracle that is KL. maybe these 'episodes' are put in place to help force me to be introspective. to look at the deeper matters of my heart. they are hard times to be sure. they are necessary opportunities to grow. and to depend on community, just a few minutes ago one of my friends gave me some great advice to do something. i couldn't see that on my own this time. i am not alone; i am surrounded with no chance of escape ; ). i'm right where i want/need/desire to be.

surround: verb.1.be all around; encircle.2.be associated with.
noun.1.a border or edging.2.surroundings

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